One Week One Day

Its terrifying putting it all out there. All your thoughts, your emotions, your opinions and views from where you're standing. You don't want to offend anyone. You don't want something to be taken the wrong way..to seem ungrateful, or unappreciative, or to make someone feel bad. I read my words a hundred times and a hundred times more, wondering the whole time if I should even be doing this. But in continuing to tell Kilians story, it must be void of reservations and the whole truth.

I've been reading thru comments on posts from within the last week. Its been one week and a day since we said our final goodbyes to Kilian.

It feels like a story. Like a book I've read, or maybe a dream I had. It just doesn't seem real to me. Like those moments they describe of hovering over yourself watching your life play out..an out of body experience.

I can't believe it happened. Can't believe he happened. Can't believe he happened to us. Can't believe I had a baby..can't believe he's gone.

I sit in realization of, I just had a baby. And none of this feels like, 'I just had a baby'.

Excitement for his arrival was shadowed by all the negative things he may face. Fun ultrasound photos were taken during appointments that diagnosed another anomaly, usually the 1 in 10,000 (100,000 on fun days) kind. The day we found out he was a boy, was the day we got our first phone call - Ventriculomegaly. This is not how I'm supposed to remember this.

I'm wanting to respond to comments, and messages, because I truly appreciate that people are being compelled to reach out. So many that we don't even know..yet everyone is standing with arms outstretched ready to catch us. Again, the world needed kindness, so it borrowed us Kilian.

But im just struggling to do anything beyond this - getting this all out. I questioned if I would continue to write after he passed, but only for a minute. It wasn't the first thing on my mind, and I never even gave thought to whether or not I would keep posting them. But then I did.

And I almost didn't realize it. I have notes and notes in my phone..so many written in the middle of the night because they just have to come out. Before I knew it I was posting one, two, three..sharing that he was home. It felt natural, I had been doing it this far..and I wasn't ready for Kilian to be gone, in any way. So why wouldn't I? It got me thru so much, why shouldn't that continue?

Maybe lessons are left to be learned so that Kilian can remain a current part of my life, and not slowly drift into faded memory, a thought that makes my heart hurt.

When I think about why I started this, why I decided to expose my emotions and hold nothing back. Why Kevin gave me the go ahead - it was because we thought that maybe, at least, we could make best of a bad situation and do something to help someone else. We couldn't help ourselves, we couldn't help Kilian, we had to help someone.

So I'm going to keep going. I don't know what it all looks like from here, but the people that have reached out thus far, telling us themselves that we helped them in some way or somehow - allowing them to pull theirselves thru their own darkness in a liberating sigh of relief and release, have shown me that it's worth putting out there. 



"I will never stop sharing your story Bub, and your story will never end. I owe you all that I am, all that I ever will be, and will bring to and share you with every soul needing your love. I will continue to speak your name Kilian, and I will forever and always love you. Miss you baby."