Day 3

Day 3 without Kilian. I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop missing him. I can't make my heart stop hurting.

After making Kilians service arrangements, writing his obituary...choosing his urn, we grabbed Amelia and disappeared up north. This place has always had the ability to reset my mind and give peace to my soul. About half an hour out from the cabin, a pure white bird flying beside the truck caught my eye. And it just made me wonder. About all the wonders that are to be wondered about.. The symbolism and signs and coincidences that continue to occur after loosing him have my head chasing its tail.

On the way home from the hospital after Kilian passed, I was talking to a friend. Her sister passed a handful of years back, someone I had known for such a short amount of time - but somehow had made a profound impact on me. In a way I could never quite make sence of.

I considered her such a close friend, and I hardly knew her. Her passing devastated me, and she was my hardest to 'get over'. I've never understood why.

My friend told me that she wished her sister was here to talk to me - she would understand and know what to say. Because she herself had experienced the loss of her infant son just a year before we lost her.

We were about halfway home when her song came on. The one I heard right after she passed, the one I played over and over as a background track to my sobbing, a side effect from the thought of her being gone. I had felt so selfish, she had stopped over a few days before, near the anniversary of her sons death. She asked me how I was doing. And I never asked her how she was. I deeply regret that to this day.

I started to cry as this song played, all of a sudden this thought blanketed me..a vision of her welcoming Kilian with open arms, offering to wrap him in a love so big that I could feel it. Wherever she was, Amber, in overwhelming adoration, and with all of her heart, was going to take care of my baby.

I immediately told my friend, 'Amber's song is on, Time Is Love..'. Simply that. What she responded with will forever give me a little peace in knowing Kilian is being loved - and in the way I would have loved him if he were to be held in my own arms.

She said,

"That must mean she is holding him. Im so sure she is going to be there for him until you can."

This is all just a beautiful disaster.

And yet, in the same breath, its beyond devastating. I have no idea where to put this pain. I'm bringing up feelings from the past, mixing them in with this newfound regret and devastation, and just shaking the piss out of them.

Feet on the dashboard, wind in my hair, sweet freedom of the north woods, and even that vibe fails to soothe my sorrow. It all sounds so melodramatic, and that's the slap in the face of it all. A tragic, beautiful love story you pine for, until its suddenly your reality, and you swear you don't want any of it. I just want Kilian.

Amelia's sad. She wants a baby brother and cannot understand why she can't have one. And in reassuring her that we want to have another baby, even she knows he can't be replaced. She just wants Race.

There's no filler chit chat, its just silence. Neither Kevin nor I know what to say. You find a shred of a topic, but the conversation ends as soon as it gets started. There's just nothing you can put in to words that makes any sence. Your mind hopelessly wanders around looking for any sort of meaning it can hang on to. Which doesn't exist, because meaning means nothing if it doesn't bring him back. We just want Kilian.

Took Amelia to the waterfalls, got ice cream, took her to Newton lake, attempted teaching her to swim, buried her legs in the sand, buried dada's feet in the sand, freed dadas feet from the sand, tried damn hard to free our souls.


He is free. That's the biggest of the what matters.





Breathe.