Kilian Race In Memoriam

I've started to write this a hundred times. I never get beyond a single sentence. How do you put your whole world into a paragraph? How do you portray a love so big, in words that seem so small. Nothing I write is perfect, and I feel as though I'll fail him if it's not. And then, I think about all of his imperfections. I think about what a ball of chaos that little boy was. I remember all of the uncertainty that surrounded him, the sleepless nights, the terrifying phone calls...and holding his hand. Brushing his hair. Singing sweet melodies to soothe wandering eyes, in moments that the entire world ceased to exist.

I remember Kilian, and my heart sings.

I want to tell you all who Kilian was, and is to me. I want you all to experience the unconditional love he gave. I want to have someone else read this, because I know I'll never be able to get thru it. And I want you all, to know Kilian.

From the moment I saw the word 'pregnant', there was uncertainty. He was a gathering storm cloud that threatened all of its dangerous capability as you begged for rain, starting at the very beginning.

He seemed too little, to be so profound. But that was the magic about him. His chaos made him beautiful. It unexplainably drew you in and kept you begging for more. He was intoxicating.

He scared me. If I touched him for too long or startled him or did whatever it was that he didn't like, it was reflected in the alarms of his monitors. He let you know when he had had enough, only ever letting you get so close before pushing you away. Looking at him was pure reflection of myself. He was, and continues to be, a hauntingly beautiful orchestra of fear, and love, and desire.

He effortlessly nestled his way into the hearts of everyone that knew or knew of him. His existence - a love story thats readers continually found theirselves anxiously awaiting the next chapter. A beautiful melody of tragedy and heroism and triumph, inevitably coming to a hault, without the climatic happy ending we all so desperately wished for. He was, a beautiful disaster.

His playful personality was met early on. He made a game out of dodging much needed images during ultrasounds, yet treated us with some of the best poses..including the hand sign for 'rock on'. In the NICU, he would stick his leg straight up in the air, in what the nurses called his 'leg salute', randomly and without warning as if to make sure his prescence was known. Im laughing so hard as I write this, it plays like a movie in my mind - I can see that little leg just go straight up to the ceiling and it makes my soul dance.

He thrived from being the center of attention. Not in a way that felt vain, he just honestly seemed to love life and people and couldn't get enough of it all. And when all eyes were on him, he remained cool, calm and collected. He really gave the nurses a run for their money, and had just enough crazy stirring in that little body.

And when you looked into his eyes, you immediately became infatuated with everything he was. Those eyes were mesmerizing. You could loose your whole self falling into them.

His hair was as soft as silk, his skin soothing to the touch. He was little, but perfectly so. And he was wild.

Wild in a way that brought wary excitement, causing unbalance in anticipation of his next move. He was daring, and was 100% the kid that would have put the fork in the outlet, just as you told him no.

He was beautiful, in every sence of the word. I can never say it enough, inside and out, only beautiful. And if there was one thing that was more beautiful than him, was his love for his dad. And Kevins love for King Kilian. The unspoken bond between father and son was instant, and you could tell Kilian knew when his dad was there. The room felt like it was holding a secret, as if they were sharing an inside joke known to just the two of them. To Kevin - Bub, was your very best bud.

Our one in a million Kilian seemed to have an adventurous aire about him. His eyes would wonder so curiously as if they couldn't soak in all that was the world around them fast enough. It gave him this charm, that wrapped you around his finger in effortless motion, and refused to let go.

And he was strong. I don't dare a single person to doubt that. In 39 days he experienced things the majority of us will never experience in our entire lives, and there were many. His resilience silences voices in our own minds that nudge us towards the path more easily traveled.

And what his soul was capable of changing in ourselves, speaks volumes to how big that little boy really was. He brought out goodness, and happiness, and raw emotion we find ourselves swept away in..because it was real. We get so caught up in the day to day 'Race' of life that we forget to appreciate the moments that hold all the value of all the riches you could ever imagine. Kilian reminded us of this, and has forever changed our lives.

He made a difference. We know he did. You can feel it in the air and it's effortlessly freeing. He had purpose. He had meaning. He had all of us, and we will forever have all of him.

Kilian Race. Breath taking, magical, and the most tragic, amazingly exciting, love story of my life. I am forever in awe of all he was, all he is, and all he will continue to be. He gave song to our souls and will forever bring joy to our hearts. Because when you think of Kilian, you can't help but smile.