A Whole Lot Of Honesty

 I'm angry.

Bitter to say the least.

And I'm ashamed of myself for feeling this way. Even in knowing it's human nature. The things going on in the world and others lives, all the mountains we each have of our own to climb..those all mean something. I certainly am not the only one hurting, and I feel like I don't deserve these feelings.

But oh, are they there. We battle constantly, and most days I loose miserably.

I've seen two couples now walk out of the NICU with their babies. I've seen announcements of healthy babies being born and posts celebrating "three weeks old where does the time go!?", and I taste the bitterness. The jealousy. All of the 'why me?s' and woe is me and me me me's come rearing their ugly heads. Sane me says how dare you, shut it. Human me says it's ok to feel what you're feeling. And then the realization comes that none of it matters anyway, because none of it changes our current situation.

The emotions that come with this are wild.

I tell myself to be happy for other people (and I am, honestly ❤), but then I think back to my delivery and realize the PTSD that I am already experiencing from it. From the countless weeks of adding yet another anomaly to the list, from the 2 miscarriages prior that made me question from the moment that stick said yes. From all the things I have absolutely no control over and am damn frustrated with. And I just can't help but feel the way I feel.

Or see how any of this is fair (not that it should be, but don't we all wish it was?).

Not just my journey with Kilian, but all of the bad things anyone has been thru, are going thru, or will go thru. Everyone that I know and don't know that has walked their own wobbly path towards an unknown future, and the emotional baggage that comes with all of it. From small hiccups to life altering experiences, and everything in between. The whole point of me rambling is that I just want to say -

You deserve your feelings. Acting on them is obviously a no no, but you are allowed to feel what you feel - without feeling bad about it.

Of course I want Kilian to 'graduate from the NICU', the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Of course I want to be celebrating him being 3 weeks old on Sunday with him here at home. I imagine him laying in a swing in the middle of our living room, while Amelia feeds him a bottle as we're together as a happy family and life is good. I want to see her hold her little brother, and I just want to put him in the damn clothes I finally brought myself to buy. And I want to be able to look at his crib, and put it up - without doubt of him ever laying in it. I don't want to be here, but who in their right mind would?

So again, allow yourself your feelings..but don't let them take you too far down. That hole is a hard one to climb out of, because it's oh so easy to stay in.

Pull yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep moving. Keep fighting. Stay resolute. Allow yourself to be human, allow yourself your emotion, and then move on. We all can find ourselves much stronger than we thought when in situations that force us to be nothing less than brave. 

"One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went thru, and it will become someone else's survival guide."