Thoughts From The CICU

Kilian has taught me to be a better mother. 

And I don't like describing myself as a mother, or using that word - it feels too old. No offense. I just have a hard time picturing myself as anything other than a pot smoking, early 20's something, fly by the seat of your pants we ride at dawn bar fly. Not that anything is wrong with any of that, I'm still about half of those things. But my general outlook on life, my priorities, my needs and wants, have been slowly changing over the last handful of years. And Kilian gave me an extra push.

He has taught me patience. He has taught me gratitude. He has taught me perseverance and how to completely live in the moment.

Not that I wasn't mom guiltting the crap out of trying to do those things before, but he gave me a way to actually be those things. That little ball of chaos somehow gave me clarity. And while this doesn't take away any of the anger, any of the pain, any of the bitterness, it does help me catch my breath.

Its not much, but I'm holding on to it for dear life. I want to lock myself in a closet and cry until there's nothing left. But Amelia, my saving grace, wants a book read to her. So we read a book.

Kevin and I laughed as she fell on her behind and we both swore she said 'fuck'.

I listened to her tell me a story that made no sence one thousandth sentence to the next.

And I stared at her. Just as I have for so many hours at Kilian. Just as I did when she was a baby. I admired her nose, her eyes. I looked at how long her hair has gotten, how tall she is, and I realized that she looked older to me.

Kilian turned a month old today. For the last month, I have been seeing her three days out of the week. And those days were short, days that I tried so hard to make normal for her, and often failed.

I wouldn't have done it any other way, I really believe it was the best way to balance my time between them both. But boy did I miss a lot.

Not just with her, but with Kilian. There were days home with Amelia where he was so alert and active, and I missed out on them. Baths were missed, feedings were missed, those beautiful eyes peering out in curiosity were missed. And I missed him, and I missed her. And its all been such a whirlwind of second guessing and regret, but somehow it made a positive impact. How do you not cherish and appreciate time after this?

I think Kilian has taught so much, to so many people, in so many ways..that I can't really ask for more than that.

If this is really it. If this is really our final goodbye. I send that little boy off with so much gratitude for having been given the opportunity to be his mom. Even if the time was way incredibly too short.

I hope your story doesn't end here Bub. I hope I read these words to you some day and say man was that a ride. But if that's not whats meant to be, then I thank you for giving me all you had to give.

I will forever hold you in my heart, and put forth the lessons you taught me. I'll love you forever my Kilian, which ever way the wind blows.