6/16 - Welcome Kilian Race

Today (and yesterday depending on who you're speaking with..) is Kilians due date. Today is also two weeks that he's been gone.

I picked strawberries today. Searching for little ruby red treasures alongside butterflies and grasshoppers and sunshine. The air smelling of sweet sappy clover with the perfect amount of warm. I gave them a much needed drink, so they all glistened - laden with reflective beads of water, adding to their allure.

I pictured this. When I was pregnant with Kilian - I pictured what my summer in the garden was going to look like. It included him snug against me nestled in a gauze wrap, sound asleep from the fresh air and the summer sun.

I just had a laugh. I bumped into the table just now, knocking Kilians urn over. When he was in the NICU, I spent hours sitting in this green rolling desk chair (donated to my assigned use by one of my favorite nurses). I would scooch up to him getting as close as possible while navigating machines and wires and tubes. It never failed, as slow and careful as I was..I always ended up bumping the isolette. And like..a good decent bump. Enough that he would feel it. So it became this joke, that he knew it was just me when his isolette rocked... "Oop I'm sorry bub, mumas here!"

And this is what this all looks like. Life welcomingly interrupted by memories of Kilian. I am distracted by my mind 90% of the day. Because I don't want to live without him.

Im trying to balance allowing myself to have the grief, but in forms that are somehow constructive. I can't let this do what it wants, because it would eat me alive. So I am loosing myself in these moments of envisioning what life would have looked like with Kilian here. Gracefully mourn the idea as a loss..and wait for the next to arrive. First Christmas. First Halloween. Being the middle sibling if we have another.

And that thought stops me dead in my tracks. Kilian doesn't look like a middle child, not in my mind. Kilian, is just Kilian. Further driving down the stake that is he was never meant to be mine. And round and round we go.

Up, down, crying, laughing..I'm a hot mess of emotion, with thoughts no clearer than mud.