7/7 - I Miss Kilian

 👶🌈🌈👼

It feels like time is struggling to move just an inch, yet weeks have passed and you feel pressure to 'get with it'. I want to write thank yous, I want to respond to text messages and comments on social media, and I want to click on messenger, and open all of the unread messages I have - including ones written to me when Kilian was still alive. But the weight of those takes my breath away.

Days like today, I just ache. Theres so little to distract me that I finally cave and allow my soul its heartache. I spend the day on my phone reading. Anything and everything pertaining to Kilian.

I read questions asked by other moms in my hearts group. I read posts with #infantloss. I read reports in Kilians medical records, read about surgeries and research any lead I find that makes me think we could have saved him..

I feel myself becoming more and more consumed by this black hole of sorrow as the hours pass, the battery life on my phone reflecting how much time I've 'wasted' in trying to find anything that will soothe my soul. Anything to calm my being. To pour into the emptiness of my every ounce until I am once again full - but that moment never comes. And it never will.

This doesn't get better. This gets worse.

We both agree we want to try for our kin #5, but hesitancys firm grip is pulling me back. I know it's going to be another entire pregnancy of worry. Even if everything is 'normal'. Because I will never be convinced. I will never breathe relief. I will believe something will go wrong for the rest of forever, and its just something I've learned I'll have to accept in moving forward in this new life. This life you learn to navigate in a way so foreign and removed from who you were prior. Kilian is not here - I will never be satisfied.

It all makes you wonder what the point of it all was. I may not have faith that looks similar to most peoples, but I do believe there is something - and have always agreed that everything happens for a reason. But for this, that's just not good enough.

Im done. Im over it. I'm angry. Sad. Confused. Anxious. Tired. I miss the NICU. I miss hearing phantom beeping of the machines in the shower. I miss walking into his room, taking his little hand into my own, and saying..Hi baby. Mumas here.

I miss Kilian.