Letters to Kilian - 7/13/21

I am missing you something awful today Bub. And the last few days. And the last few weeks. And our adventure together just keeps replaying in my mind, over and over - to the point where my head now physically hurts.

I can't make sence of it. You were right there. You were with me. We were so close.

Thru out pregnancy, I had hope. When you were born way too early kid, I had hope. When you soared in exceeding expectations in the first few weeks, I had hope. I missed you terribly and was so afraid when they took you to surgery, but I had hope. And when you hung on after, in true badass fashion, I had hope.

On the last day we had you, when you struggled to open your eyes, right before we said - OK, were ready...I still held hope. That maybe, just maybe.

But when they came in, just as my breath was leaving me, it all hit me. This is it.

I took your attempt to look at me in so many ways. I thought, wait are you trying to tell me you're not ready? Please mama not yet, I'll show you. You were so wreckless, the idea was not far fetched. But it was so hard for you. I could feel you struggle.

The next thought in my mind was comforting, you were trying to open your eyes to see who was holding you. It was me baby. I had you. I will always have you.

I wanted you to feel peace. I wanted you to know, it was ok. I wanted you to know, I will always love you.

I can still hear my voice so desperately whispering 'oh Bub', after all the machines went quiet and we watched you so quickly fall into your peace. I was watching from the outside - you, your dad, and myself - in yet another moment with you where time stood still.

I thought back to the first time I felt you kick. I thought back to every appointment they diagnosed another anomaly to add to the list. I thought back to your nursery, and how hard your dad tried to rush to get it ready for you. I thought back to the day we finally met you in person, all the driving to Milwaukee, speeding every time because I could never get to you fast enough. I thought of everything Amelia told me she was going teach you, the games you and her were going to play. I thought of how far you had come, how big of a fight you fought, how big of an impact you will forever hold on my life. And as I watched you fade away, I watched all my hope, all my dreams, and my entire future go away with you. When you lost your color, so did my world.

I finally lost that hope, because I lost you.

You were my strength. You were the reason I kept going. The reason I held on to that hope from the moment I read 'pregnant'. What am I supposed to do without you now?

I see other people with their newborns, their milestones, their happiness. Their full hearts. And I'm just so mad Kilian. Where is that for you and me?

You and me Bub. Why is there no you and me.

I'm supposed to protect you. I'm supposed to sacrifice myself for you. Im supposed to comfort you, and care for you, and raise you to be the amazing man I know you would have become. So now what.

What about your story? How does that continue and fit in to our lives, beyond carrying you in your urn every where I go. How can I keep you alive?

Tell me Bub, your muma needs to know. What do I do now?

How do I make the missing you let go of my chest? Its holding on so tight that it hurts. My eyes hurt from crying. My soul hurts from longing. My head hurts from trying to figure out at what point we could have saved you. It all hurts. It all sucks. It all makes me want to burn this colorless world to the ground.

I just want you. You are all I've ever wanted. I would have given anything Bub, anything.

I miss you Kilian. More than I have ever missed anything or anyone in my entire life. You are bigger than anything else pretending to matter.

I know I have your sister. She's still my world. She's always worth living for. I will always have my love for her. But I have a love for you that is its own. And to me, you feel like my first love. My biggest love. My only love.

Oh Bub. Where do we go from here.

"Forever's not enough time to

Love you the way that I want

'Cause every morning I find you

I fear the day that I don't

You say that I won't lose you

But you can't predict the future

'Cause certain things are out of our control

Yeah, if you ever move on without me

I need to make sure you know that

You are the only one I'll ever love

Yeah, you, if it's not you it's not anyone

Looking back on my life

You're the only good I've ever done

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

It's not anyone, not anyone"