6/9 - Day 7 #2

Its the perfect, hot summer day. The one that demands a sprinkler be going in the front lawn, with Amelia squealing as she jumps over the water dancing in the lightest breath of wind. I'm running around with her, laughing, the fresh cut grass sticking to our feet..it all seems so nostalgic of treasured family moments. But there is something missing, so big that it carries weight you can physically feel lingering in the air. My Kilian.

I can't help but picture him where he should be..off in the shade, rocking in his little swing, taking a summer snooze. I should be taking breaks from running thru the water to check on him. I should be feeling his little cheeks to make sure he's not getting too hot. And I should be taking him into my arms from the swing when he wakes and needs to be comforted. None of this feels right.

I wonder if there was more that could have been done. I wonder if something was overlooked. I wonder if he had been full term, if he would have faced an easier road..a better outcome. The outcome I'm still begging for, yet knowing it's the impossible.

I can't help but constantly question why. Why don't we get to have all the things we were so looking forward to with him. I would have been the best mom for him. Kevin, the very best dad. We have so much love left to give him, and no where to go with it.

I just don't know where to go from here.