6/6/21

I always wanted to become a writer. In any sence of the word. Journalism, writing a book, writing something that someone gave a damn about. And that's what has always stopped me. The thought of people not caring. The thought of failure.

I abandon ship. When something is about to hurt me, I push it down. I walk away. I escape it. I don't like dealing with emotions and choose to do so thru multiple small moments instead of one big stage production. And if I have the opportunity to stop something before it hurts me, I push it away.

Kilian gave me a purpose in my writing, and something in me just couldn't hold back. I love him beyond my wildest comprehension of the word, and still feel this overwhelming need to share him with the world. In starting his story, I was going to gather as much love as it would take to save him. And even tho he's gone, I'm beginning to feel as tho I've started to accomplish this task.

The love story of Kilian can not end. He is too big to me to be small. What he means to me, my love for him, could never surmount to anything less than that of a mountain. Mountains he tried so hard to get over to get to me. And although, on the outside, it looks like he failed, he has done nothing of the sort. He has broken me to heal me, and I now find myself determined to make sure he is never forgotten. Thru words, thru memories, thru sharing my soul - the only place you could truly feel what I feel for my Kilian.

I love you Bub, and while we've freed you, we will never let go.