July 4th

I also hate today. Today can also go to hell.

Kilian went to his first parade today. In a form I never would have imagined. I wonder if people think I'm nuts. Crazy. Lost my mind. But I give two fox. For Fox sake Kilian, what are you doing to me.

His nursery was going to be decorated with little foxes peaking out from their strategic hiding places, like beside a book on his bookshelf. I'm not a 'theme' type of person but after a handful of diagnoses while I was pregnant with him we adopted the saying, for fox sake Kilian. It stuck, and its forever his thing.

I spend so much time looking at pictures of him, lost in pure adoration and with overwhelming love for him. My favorite are the ones taken within the week prior to his surgery. He was doing so well. He had gained weight, was off almost all medication, ventilator settings were low, he was eating a lot, and there were talks about possible extubation and a vision of his homecoming was so vivid. Until tracheal rings.

Fucking tracheal rings. It wasn't enough that he had one lung, or one kidney, or pulmonary hypertension or his congenital heart defects or ventriculomegaly or intrauterine growth restriction or possible heterotaxy or born premature at 33 weeks. Nope, let's hand this little boy everything.

It makes me hate. It makes me cry why me, why him - as I have a thousand times. And it makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs 'this isn't fair!' I know it's not supposed to be, but why this.

Why so much. Why so cruel. Why with pain..

And then, I remind myself -

There is belief, that in reincarnation, your soul picks its journey here on earth. That a 'hard journey' signifies an older soul. And that an abundance of trauma and grief and sadness respresent a pathway to that soul becoming a healer.

And that, is what I believe. That Kilian, as hard as it is to imagine, chose his path. His souls karmic destination chose these experiences in advancement to something great. Something beautiful. Something magical. Something forever.  Because his prescence here was all of that - all of that and more. And I truly believe, he will heal me.

"Kilian, your soul is beautiful. Crossing paths with you has forever changed me in the very best way. You give me light in the darkest of days, and I cannot imagine our destinies do not include having one another. That day, will be the best day, of all the days in a hundred lifetimes, and I cannot wait. Until then Bub, if only."