July 5th

Some days I still wake up in fight or flight response mode, and my first instinct before even opening my eyes is to get ready and head to the hospital. These are normally bad days.

I feel this constant, distracting anticipation and anxiety that makes it hard to breathe - I almost feel as though I can't. I should take this and put it to use, possibly start running again. I just don't think I would ever stop. I feel like I'm on the verge of a sprint, or about to jump off a mountain. And when I realize there is no longer a little boy waiting for his muma to get to him, the sadness hops on my back ready to spend the day with me.

I received the imaging from his medical records the other day, with thousands of images between 4 cd's. Today, I went thru a digital copy of the paper documents. Two files, one containing 500 pages, and the other with over 4,300. The overwhelming task of actually going thru those and interpreting the medical terminology is strangley welcoming. It's familiar to me and offers a life line connection to Kilian that is now far and few in between.

500 photos (mostly 20 versions of one because I'm a happy snapper). Videos and recordings. Thousands of imaging, and thousands of pages of records. This enormous amount of 'Kilian' and it feels so insignificant beside the memory him. He is so big, and so much, and this is what he is summed up to. Do you ever find yourself in a situation that just feels wrong? I can't shake that feeling.

Im so confused. I know exactly what happened, and I'm still sitting here wondering - what the hell happened. It doesn't make sence. I was pregnant. I had a baby boy. He was supposed to come home. We were supposed to be his parents, and he was supposed to be our son.

I just want to go to the hospital. More than anything else in this entire world. I want to jump in my car, direct myself south, and drive. Drive to familiar. Drive to comfort. Drive to hope, and to adventure, and to life. I would drive a thousand miles and a thousand miles more if I could get to Kilian. If only.