6/9 - Day 7

It's strange, not knowing where to find the salt in your own kitchen. In the middle of a house remodel interrupted by a baby born two months too soon lies all the things I can not find.

We are bringing him with us on the ride Saturday. I'm hesistant to admit that I entertain the idea of getting a baby wrap to carry him around in. What is he going to do? Sit in the bike by himself at stops? What, you can carry around your 'alive' baby but I can't carry around mine? Sanity and loosing a child do not hold hands.

Im trying to parallel park Amelias red wagon, overflowing with remnants of her entire day spent outside, haphazardly thrown in because I just don't care, and I keep bumping it into the house. I'm giggling at myself, asking what driving school did you graduate from?

I was the worst mom today. We started the day off in the sprinkler..in the shade. Amelia played for over an hour on the parked red tractor in the shed, in the shade. She wasn't going where the sun was because the hot grass hurt her feet. I didn't even notice the time, or that she had migrated to standing under every ounce of early afternoon sun, and I never remembered to put on her sunscreen. I always, put on her sunscreen.

Shes so burnt. And I'm so mad at myself. The sunscreen was sitting on the patio table the entire day..and never once did it register in my brain to protect my baby's fair skin. I look at her and it hurts, what did I do to my baby?

The more days that pass, the worse I feel as a mom. Four pregnancies, two babies, and only one still with us. This isn't my house. This isn't my life. This isn't everything I've ever wanted. This is a nightmare.