6/8- Day 6

Im so upset over the thought of Kilian's Luminary release not going perfect, that it has me in tears.

A few years ago, we went to see fourth of July fireworks up north and I experienced the beautiful melancholy of time suspended in a luminary release of sky lanterns. The sight was so serene, so breathtaking, so memorizing. I knew it was the perfect way to honor Kilian. 39 lanterns, each representing one day of his life here with us.

And now I'm panicking.

There's a learning curve required to get them up in the air, and many cheap versions to buy. I'm so afraid that not all 39 will go up. I have this perfect vision in my head of these stupid paper potential balls of fire going up in perfect sequence, effortlessly dancing in their luminous glory thru the night sky - and then I see them all, quite literally, go up in flames.

And wouldn't that be fitting.

My little ball of chaos we named Kilian, won't even let me have the memorial I imagine.

And it's making me think of him. And all the things I thought I knew. And how many times I was just plain wrong, and the fact that he's really gone..and that soon, we will have to go get him. Picking him up scares me the most. Its such a finale, his urn such a hard visual reminder of everything we will never experience with him - and everything we have.

I miss him. I know I always will, and still - I really...really miss him.