7/1

Tommorow will mark one month of Kilian being gone. Four whole weeks. 30 entire days. 720 hours, 43,200 minutes of not having my bub and I feel like I'm just dizzy. Dizzy with thought of how many kisses I'll never give him. How many scraped knees I'll never rescued him from. How many tears I would have wiped from his cheeks that I'm instead now wiping off my own. How do I live without Kilian. 

Well, so far like this - I've been cracked out on starting but not quite finishing 'keeping busy' projects, switching from coffee to wine by 3pm and sleeping til noon when possible. But my kitchen cabinets are almost refinished so that counts for positive. My mind is constantly nagging me that it's time to get those thank you notes sent out, and my heart argues to take my time. My house is destroyed from previously mentioned 'projects' and housekeeping hasn't commenced in weeks. I requested Kilians medical records, including all imaging. Four cd's showed up in the mail today with thousands of images and scans. I was almost excited- Ive been wanting to piece it all together and I'm so anxious and curious to look at them. But excitement immediately turned into that nauseating, heavy heart sunk feeling I'm all too ravished in these days - its going to be really hard to look at these. So, in hanging my head and accepting defeat, I put them in a safe spot until I'm emotionally ready for all that's going to bring. Just another stain marking its territory.

And the longing is the worst of it all. Despite being an emotion, the physical tole it takes on you is fascinating. I am absolutely exhausted from longing. It feels like my soul is attempting to escape my body but if just can't reach far enough - regardless of how hard it tries to pull away. It's an arm outstretched until hot and heavy and numb, and all you want to do is lower it and relieve yourself from the painful tingling but alas - my arm shall not go down. Clearly..my current insanity level does not share that issue.

I'm just rolling with this. Listening to my body and all the vibes floating around it. If it says we're going to dress up as having had a bowl of Red Bull and addies for breakfast today, then crazy I am. If it says the couch and TV are the finish line of today's marathon which ends at brunch, then pajama day it is. I literally can't do more than that. And I dont really want to. I just want to miss Kilian.